Hello, Vinny. It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check!

hi there.

been a while.

how are you doing?

keeping busy?

good.

been on any adventures?

oh just the usual then- work and booze, booze and work etc. well its good that you've got a pattern...

...me? well thats not really important i haven't been up to anything exceptional...

...ah i went to see blur as well. i agree they certainly did go for it and it was great to hear all the classics again...

...tough one. its got to be a toss up between 'beetlebum', 'coffie and tv' and 'tender'. love those songs. vampire weekend were good as well...

...i know but really all you have to hear is 'oxford comma' and then they can get off the  stage again. i'll tell you two bands i really need to see at the moment 'scoobious pip vs dan le sac' and 'phoenix'. they are well worth looking up man theey are well and truly on my hot list. which reminds me i've got tickets to see skunk anansie in october...

....oh come on, you must remember them, 'weak', 'charlie big potatoe', 'twisted'??? seriously? i do suppose it was 9 years ago. oh my god i feel old now....

...i'm 27. i know i look younger and i act quite immature as well. i really think i should act my age but whats the fun in that...

....no i think its ok to still like batman. why wouldn't it be?

...good point but its not all for kids, and some of it is written in a very clever way, just look at the watchmen...

...no not the film, that was gash, the comic...

...sorry i get a little excited about things like that sometimes...

....what was that? thats fucked up, i'm hearing a lot of stories like that at the monent. i had two chav girls try to rearrange my face about a month back...

...i know, a least they couldn't do any lasting damage, still got a bit of a scar on my top lip though. not very noticable but i know that its there...

yep...

uh-uh....

mmm....

right....

(sigh) i know what you mean. i've had a similar thing this week. had a mild needlestick injury on monday...

...its when you get exposed to another persons blood, in a bad way. i got a little bit in my eye. its really low risk and the tinyiest volume of diluted blood that i won't get anything from it. but still it scared me for a bit...

...i try to make light of it and say i got 'old lady eye aids', i think its a little sad that my only way of dealing with problems is to turn them into a joke. i'm having problems with the punchline of this one though...

....oh, i can really say that i'm not worried about catching anything but it was the momentary threat to my mortality that has shaken me a bit...

...i'm aware that its pretentious and overdramatic but you can't help thinking that way when things like that happen to you....
 
...i agree i would be nice to have someone to talk about it with but i don't so i'll just have to get on with it and stop being such a whiney wuss about it...

... got things to do now so peace out peeps...

...gotta keep running, i'll stop when i'm dead...

dreams are funny...

arghh, my body has completley forgotten what time of the day i should sleep at. i'm on my second week of spradic nights where i work wed and thurs night aand days/lates leading up to that. trouble is that this weekend i had a 7am start which completely screwed me up. i got about an hour sleep in b4 work as i was still on nights time and had a energy drink and some paracetimol for breakfast at 6.00 am. work was chaotic but ended up ok(i really think i'm getting the hang of this scientist stuff). i worked till three, came home and crashed at about 5pm. i then woke up again at 10.30 pm and whilst grumbling about the fact that my afternoon off was gone i realised that i had not eaten yet. so at that ime of night i had two choises, no food or another dirty take away. it came to £7.55.

then i could'nt sleep because i had just had about 5 hours and that is normally all i have so i was awake till about 4.30 am, on my own playing the xbox (people roll their eyes at me when i mention 'computer games' but those things have killed some serious down time for me, easpecially times such as these where bordom and loneliness are the twin harbingers of doom and theres nothing that can be done about it).

my alarm went off at 7.50 am. i'm lying on my bed between action and inaction. i really want to do something with my day off but on only approx 3 hours sleep nothings going to be fun today. i think london will be another day now. it was going to be a sporadic use of my time. i.e. think of something you want to do outside portsmouth and just do it. nevermind.

so as an alternative. washing.

oh and i've got to give 90% of my wardrobe (the clothes not the container) to charity as it does not fit me anymore. then theres shopping 4 relpacements. and i want to tryout the new swimming pool. i'm just tired now though.

just a note to add on my previous post. in my sleep deprived state i feel like i have finally reached the true reason for my current perspective about growing up. its not that i fear growing old - far from it, i look forward to the time were i can develop deep set wrinkles and live a steady decline with a glimmer in my eye (the only glimpse of a micheivious past long ago) i think its the fear of loosing that sparkle that concerns me.

my idea.

i think that as you grow older and more experienced in this wonderful world of ours, less things surprise you and this leads to your pregression into the world of jadedness (boo). you settle and things become mundane and drawn out leading to bordom and then death. that is what i dislike the most, i suppose, its the lack of challenges that you are exposed to. let me explain because i think after being awake for 22 hours straight may have forced me to become unclear. as you grow older your experiences curb your conversation skills, i.e. you become more skilled in the typical conversations that you may come across. when your young there are more possibilities and adventures to be had because this is the first time as an adult doing things and the exposure can be teriffic.

as an example, even going to the shops for the first time for yourself can be an amazing challenge. the older generation have already achieved this and therefore are unimpressed by the task = jaded.

as you grow older there are certain rights of passage that you go through on the road to becoming an adult, namely; car, job, house, wedding, baby, retire, die. as people go through these 'gateways' (i am such the nhs worker) they share in these experiences and these then become the favoured 'typical' points of conversation and before you know it your at a dinner party discussing what rate you got on your morgage and how much you house is worth since you brought it (ed. when did buying a house become and investment choice rather than a dream of a home?).

i feel left out because i have not passed through these rights of passage but in some small way i think i am better for it. i've never driven a car (i ride a bike), i don't own the house i live in. i'm single and i don't have any kids. i have no interest in these topics either as these represent what 'the group' thinks is interesting rather than what 'i' think is interesting.

(at the moment i really want to know how a toiet flushes and what variables can affect the strength of the flush, for example does a toilet at the top of a building flush harder than a toilet on the bottom floor? i really don't know!)

let me explain

after being in a 6 year relationship during my formative years i feel that i didn't develop a sense of my own personal identity. i was always 'me and 'x'' or ''x' and me' we decided things together and played to our own personal strengths and weaknesses. thats fine, that is what relationships are about. but now i see that point of my life as a giant safety blanket and now from an experience perspective i am still in the foetal state i was in prior to meeting 'x'. since then i have gotten a better idea of myself (a giant geek - i didn't take long) and this sense of identity is threatened by corforming to the norm.

thinking about it now i am very protective concerning this individualist ideal. this is why i don't like the adverts for radio 1. i hate the rows of gurning, unimaginative faces that make up the crowd at festivals, i hate football and think its irrelevent, i don't watch x factor and i don't read gossip magazines or watch tv. and the reason being is that conformity and these intelectual sedatives thin out the conversation pool.

think of it as an ecosystem when one species (conversations about football) is overbalenced and the other species (interlectual debate) suffer due to lack of resourses (grey matter). same principle.

what all this over analysis and explaining boils down to is this - i never want to become boring and i never want to loose that enthusiasm for oddities that keeps me an idividual.

i want to stand out!

i want to be me.

well i'm glad i got that out before maximo park started up in my brain again. these same two things have been going around my head for the past 6 hours. its funny the things that get stuck in your head at nights. it seems only fitting that i should finish on a song...


...This paper trail leads right back to you
You say you need me to step outside
You spent the evening unpacking books from boxes
You passed me up so as not to break a promise
Scattered polaroids and sprinkled words around your collar in the long run
Said you knew that this would happen

Well this is something new but it turns out it was borrowed too
Why does every let down have to be so thin?
Rain explodes at the moment that the cab door closed
I feel the weight upon your kiss ambiguous

You have to leave, I appreciate that
But I hate when conversation slips out of our grasp...(maximo park, books from boxes)

Well thats another year crossed off and another chance to get retrospetive and even introspective. i suppose ill start with the retrospective. um... not a lot has happened this year exept for a million other peoples weddings, finishing the degree and qualifying, ireland and finally shifts, shifts and more shifts.

in the last year i've watched numerous films that i would not normally have watched (many which made janica cry), avoided reading books (which i am planning to rectify soon), lost a stone in weight, started to redress debt issues and i've laughed and cried and lived many a night without love or sleep.

most of all though i have fought the demon that is growing up again for another 365 days. this i feel is quite an acomplishment seeing as i have what could be considered to be a 'grown up' job. it certainly is taking over my life somewhat as even now on my birthday i am writing this in the quite empty room that i will be spending the next 11 hours of my life. i feel i'm attempting the peter pan lifestyle as for the first time of my life i feel free. outside working hours i have no motive or mission, no money worries, no essays to write or exams to study and no relationship to make comprimises for (although a little lonely i am starting to identify with the sense of inipendance.).

but i know that things will get better soon. shifts will improve, i shall get slimmer and more buff (ha ha) for the ladies (again with the laughing!), and i shall be happy. i know it. simple as that.

i have some plans that with hopfully give me an adventure at the beginning of next year. hopefully six weeks of adventure. hopefully. but until then i'm guessing it will be more of the same. i'll have none of that morgages, cars and life insurance stuff, lifes too short!

i have buttache!


oh and wolverine sucks!


that is all, carry on with your lives. there is nothing more to see here!


seriously go away!

1, godzilla - its a weird facination i know but i have built up quite an obsession on that lovable tokyo-destroying reptile. i don't know why but a best guess is because its a unique obsession and i don't like being like anybody else.
2, star trek annuals 1970 -1980. gotta love those comic books.
3. cookie dough ice cream.
4. science - it is sad but as much as i moan about the hours i love my job. i feel that this is quite rare and i hope that i never loose the love of the subject.
5, nouvelle vague - so full of french coolness and very new wave.
6, oldboy - the best film i've seen in years. its korean, its beutifully shot and is about the failings of devoting your life to a lost cause.
7, south park - funniset and most rediculous satire
8, brighton - till i find a better alternative.
9, super mario world.
10, left 4 dead
11, united 91
12, stewart lee
13, salted popcorn
14, persopolis
15, amelie - i want to live in that world
16, snog, marry or avoid - arguably the best tv show ever - 1/2 an hour of insulting jodie marsh lookalikes
17, the secrest millionare
18, charlie brooker - my cultural companion and spirit guide
19, the dark knight returns
20, the nightwatch - my favourite pratchett book
21, my neighbour totoro
22, the last waltz by yeong-wook jo
23, waltz with bashir - stunned me to silence
24, oxford
25, getting into a bed with fresh sheets
26, wearing suits
27, eels
28, radiohead
29, war of the worlds the musical
30, smodcast
31, either hospital at about 0500 - 0600
32, that new la roux song 'in for the kill'
33, that 'american boy' song
34, the nemisis ride at alton park - i don't like oblivion though
35, my life 7 years ago
36, the host
37, brothel creepers
38, itunes
39, bejeweled - i can't get enough of that game
40, my hudson and the library - i don't understand why more people don't love them
41, tron
42, my plastic man t-shirt - i only brought it the last time i was in brighton because it had been sitting in the shop on my last two trips. i felt bad for it so i had to buy it and wear it as much as pos. people are always confused because he's a little known comic hero from the 50's. again its unique
43, wikipedia - theres a whole page full of useful information on spam
44, fallout 3
45, ghostbusters - just for the line 'back off man, i'm a scientist'
46, french pop music
47, conan the barbarian
48, my vintage suit
49, www.xkcd.com
50, japan - i will go there 1 day (for more than 1 day)

principles and beliefs man, they seem so small and yet so large dependant on your point of view. be it political, spiritual or social they do more damage than good in my opinion (if i could underline this hypocritical sentence i would). these things do nothing but create a wedge between like (or not) minded people. and then these things have a knock on effect to other (innocent) people. cant we all just get along. its not a perfect world that we have all been born into but surly we can make the best of it. i don't base my life on others teachings nor do i preach when others teachings are other than my own. the only time i get annoyed is when others tell me how i should think. lifes to short to waste on petty squabbles and opinion and i guess after all of this time i may be an optomist, and a misanthropist. hoping for the future and hating society for what they will do with it. life will be so much simpler if we all had a common goal. but we don't. because we are selfish beings arguing about things that seem different and alien to our own personal ideals. i am dispondent angry about the whole affair. why? that is all i want to know. why?

that is all i'm too fustrated to write anything else. peace. a

in retrospect it wasn't a great idea to ride my bike across portsmouth with of 30kg of weights in my rucksack.

i attempted this out of nessecity and not some madcapped concept of 'EXTrEEM' weightloss. i just thought i'd point that out in case anyone thought i took the army idea of walking with a weight on your back and the idea of cycling and went 'you know i've got a plan!'. in case anyone was wondering all that happens is your shoulders seperate and you find yourself dangerously off balence at pivital times. ah well, the weights are at my new pad and that was the original plan.


the weight loss is still going well by the way, its proving to be a good distraction from my normal life (burgers, booze and fags). i did get a little overhasty and tried on a - shall we say a tighter fitting top. it was like a body sock. i looked like a half deflated beachball.
i'm trying to carve a human body out of the pile of plasicine that my body has become following years of neglect. i think they call it a mid-twentys crisis! its either that or i'm going for the mid-life crisis early, that way i can retain my childlike outlook on life for longer. my shoulders hurt.

well i'm on day 8 of 9 with two night shifts to go. i have given up on getting some sleep before my shift tonight as its 8.28 now and i have to b there for 9.45. i've found that the only difference that this causes is that i get a headache at about 1-2 am. which reminds me i need some nurofen.

i watched possibly the best miserable film the other day. its called 'waltz with bashir'.it is about the lebanese massacre that occured in 1982. and its finally happened. i cried a bit. increasingly i've become emotionally over involved in some movies and television programmes. i really do not know or understand why. but normally i just well up and do not actually shed any tears (out of a foolish perception of masculinity - how can i take the piss out of footballers when they ball their eyes out after missing a goal when Wall.E had me close to tears?). and what i'm watching didn't really move me enough to get to the tears point. nearly but not quite! bashir did. right in the last 10 minutes. me and donna made it to the end (rich went to sleep -bless his fragile little backbone) and we didn't say anything to each other for 5 minutes whilst we processed what we just watched. then we watched anchorman to cheer ourselves up.

so i've finally got some films that make me feel basic emotions, like programming a robot. if i want to feel happy i can watch amelie, to feel sad i watch waltz with bashir (barefoot gen and united 91), if i want to laugh anchorman (shaun of the dead and kung pow) and if i want to be angry i can watch the first 30 seconds of football factory again! (a farcical piece of shit that celebrates idiocy, pointless violence and chav c*nts. oh it looks like i don't even need the first 30 seconds!

im listening to pauline croze's 'tita' it is tres good! lol

peace and sleep peeps!

i don't really know what to write today.

i am trying to keep these posts upbeat as i enjoy re-reading them when the are so. i know its a bit goash to openly admit you like your own work publicly but i enjoy them more when they are cheerful rather than being drawn into remembering the times when they are not. this is not going to be the case today however.

today has not been fun.

today has not been good.

however i am not going to write about that.

i went to ireland on a stag do on the 20th which was very entertaining. in dublin when the irish won the grandslam i spoke to more american and welsh people than irish people. the group of lads that i was with were the excellent company during the two days of binge drinking that took place. top blokes.however i feel that the two days did shorten my life expectancy somewhat as lack of sleep, massive alcohol consumption and bad food did not make me feel too prefect afterwards. mix that with shift work and i won't live a long and friutful life i assure you. i suppose that is whats driving my recent need for a healthy lifestyle. im practically vegitarian for two days out of three which is helping my desperatly needed weight loss (1/2 a stone, 1 stone to go). also i got a bike which has dual benefits. 1. weight loss 2. mobility. i've moved to stamshaw which in portsmouth terms is in the middle of nowhere.

i walked for 5o minutes to get to the pub today (to 'enjoy' a lonley pint in the one eyed dog). its a 50 minute walk to work too. the house is nice though and i'm serttling in with my flatmates. we have taught the parrot to say 'birdy' and re-named one of the cats 'gary!!!' (said with three exclamaion marks!!!).


i'm cutting out so many amusing things which have happened over the last month but in not in the mood for this. sorry for being so short in both length and temprement. i am on day 2 of a 9 day stint at work. i have no life. bye.

'show me the dirt pile and i will pray that the soul can take, three stowaways'- interpol

its been a hard week, yet i still aim to make these posts upbeat. woo woo. i'm trying to get more ''face time' in the locals and its payed off (i got a number i'm never going to use but then again its better to have lost than loved in some instances). this evening has at least its awarded me more time with friends. though i had to distance myself from one incident tonight. i don't like getting involved in domestics, no matter how one party decides to act (inappropriatly!). even thouth i do not know the specifics, i still can't condone spitting on a woman. call me old fashioned but that seems like going too far. this could have however been the minimum response that he could have given. i'm still not sure how she upset him. its difficult taking the middle ground. sometimes i wonder if its the right thing to do.

this evening has allowed me to see how other parties can see the same situation from another perspective. aside from the spitting my childhood is a good example. i always thought i was a quiet, shy child but it seems that i was quite funny with a penchant for michael jackson and m.c. hammer! this is news to me! i've got my fidget on and i'm feeling the groove hun
...hammer time!

its my last night at the flat tonight. it feels like i've just gotten used to calling it home and then i'm moving on. i've had this thought that if i win those millions one day then i'll buy every house i've ever lived in. this is a foolish dream i know but what i really want to do is but the memories i felt at each residential. its a kind of personal timeline, though i feel that not much has happened in these short 26.9 years. at this rate i won't be aBLE TO afford it. i need to read morE BOOKS, exercise more and try to make the next 26.9 count.

ok now to get to the usual melancholy soul searching...nah i can't be bothered, lifes too short. 'laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone'. theres no room for melancholy, morgages or babies (even though this seems like the current trend amongst my frineds). i can't spend too much time on my own or else i can't maintain happiness...blah, blagh..blargH!

if you could pick any film from the '80's what would it be? mines ghostbusters!

'the soul can wait, the soul can wait!' - interpol

be gentle with me!

i'm a bit tired because i've not been sleeping very well recently. but i;m going to try to be upbeat regardless. woo! its a bit difficult as well because i'm moving house and i've started uprooting all my belongings its an inverse reacion regarding cardboard boxes and happiness that i think stems from all those years working in the coop. a large number of boxes usually means more work for me to do. i also picked up a box full of books yesterday and got a sharp reminder that a year ago (when i moved in) i vowed to get into some kind of shape (vaguely humanoid will do).

i forfilled that goal by an rigorous training regime of alcohol, smokes and bad food. it may seem lazy but its hard to keep the intensity of hard living, easpecially in these tough times of 'health' and 'fitness'. i must admit i've been a bit lacking in my regime the past few months and as a result i've lost some weight. dissapointing i know, i might even live a bit longer and i've nearly forgotten what a 'proper' hangover feels like (the one on saturday didn't have the staying power). i hate it when standards slip! at this rate i may start visiting the gym and drinking fruit smoothies (oh my god, do not look in my fridge!).

i did the stupid thing of packing all of my clothes in my big kit army bag. now i don't have any clothes to wear. that seems like wasted effort now. nevermind, i'm doing my bit for charity - 2 bags of clothes, all the videos i own and most of the books i have read.

i may give up on the amateur modelling for fear that it may seem a little childish and adopt knitting which is meerly feminine. you can make some way cool stuff knitting though!
http://www.sillybuddies.com/images/stories/sillypics/knitting/knitting5.jpg
me want!

well its before 12 and i am shattered! good night everybody!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDGuPp1np4o

well the fog is lifting from my eyes as the hangover retreats to its usual hiding place and i reach the conclusion that i am a cheap date! since i've cut back on the drinking my tolerance has shrunkened. the good news is that the hangovers are not as powerful as they used to be and i'll probably live a little longer. the bad news is that when deniz buys sambuchas i go a little silly.

one thing i've realised looking back through my previous posts is that i seem to get a little sad when i've drunk. the previous posts look like they have been written by two different people. i didn't send the one i wrote last night but livejournal does have the facility of saving any unsent drafts so i could enjoy it this morning. it was along the lines of "oh no, woah, i think i'm going to the dark side, argghh someone HELP!" which i find amusing whilst sat at my dining table drinking rubbish dandilion and burdock listening to podcasts about computer games.

well mr valentines day turned out to be fruitless despite usual gesturing etc by my friends. i think i've been single for long enough that everyone is trying to set me up with any single woman with a pulse. its my own fault i don't meet the ladies.

i think today is going to be a bit of a nothing day! gonna cook me some gormet sausages, play me some xbox and celebrate my batchelorhood. i've come to a crossroads in my life where a girl would distract me from my new goal of becoming an eccentric millionare. the money may be hard to amass but the style would be achievable. just a top hat, a monacle and a three piece suit and i could be 'that monopoly guy from portsmouth'. that lifestyle is dangerously close to 'that creepy guy that throws cats at people passing by his house' so i'll have to be careful to keep from that path.

christian bale is an angry man isn't he!

ok its a guilty pleasure but this is probably my mostest favouritest film in the whole world. Kung pow! meeyouw! quick explaination - they took 2 70's kung fu movies re-edited them together, green screened in extra chaarecters, shot extra scenes and then 1 man redubbed the whole movie with silly voices. it makes me smile!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgFFL3ERaSI

I've just spent an overly long period of time either at work or asleep (or both in the case of on site sleepover at St.m's. i had my first night shift last night which means that over the course of two days i had a total of nine hours away from work (5 of which was spent asleep). so as is the dictum, my mind is seive-like and quite erratic! but surprisingly, i am in a good mood. i think all this time at work will help me appreciate my free time a bit more and i will finally have the money to do something with it (since i started i've been talking about how much i earn a lot which i know is a bit goash but the money is literally the only thing that keeps me going - incidently i earnt £400 as overtime for 3 shifts this month (ooo i feel so 80's talking figures and money and stuff!), its about time the money should start rolling in!).

the question is what am i going to do with it?

i'm still chugging on with the empire 500 films list and have come to a startling conclusion. i like romance films. when did this happen? i've been flapping my way through happy endings and gasping at 'shocking moments' and enjoying myself tremendously. i've loved 'breakfast a tiffany's' ( my first cat is going to be called 'cat'), 'sense and senseibility' (hugh grant was hilarious) and 'pride and predudice' (mr.darcy!).

and i must say Amelie captured my heart, flew it to the tallest mountain and let me bask in the glorious, quirky nature of the world! though i didn't enjoy 'chicago' so i must not be totally gay (i have been called 'the gayest straight man you will ever meet' recently and also 'a fat brad pitt' which has to be the most backhanded compliment anyone can recieve!).

oh and i'm currently making a totoro out of wire mesh, papier mache and plaster of paris soaked bandages which i know makes me as sexually attractive to women as shouting 'i have diarrhoea!' at the top of my voice whilst scratching myself in inappropriate places but it does keep me quiet for an hour or two -and i don't have to think about it. the only time i can switch off like this is when doing the dishes or when i'm asleep. its nice to get out of your own head occasionally!

well i've actually rambled on for quite a while now and none of it is negative, snobbish, angry or interlectual! how surprising! inspired by the numerous films i've seen recently i want to further ditract myself by making up a few nonsence lists! so here we go!

My first list of the day. my favourite childhood charecters in film

number 1 = young amelie. see at 5.33 mins in to see what i mean.



number 2 = lee carter -the master manipulator and all round scamp!(son of rambow)



number 3 = ludo - the little boy that just ants to be a little girl and reveals the bigotry of all those around him (including his family) as they stuggle to cope with someone who is a little different (ma vie en rose)



number 4 = lilo (and stitch) - definatly a kids film but i think they really get expressions right in this movie, like wallE its so much more is said in the body language (lilo and stitch)



number 4 - shaun - if you haven't seen this film your missing out. (this is england)



number 5 - gen - this is probably the most savage (and historically accurate) depiction of dropping the aomic bomb on hiroshima. this is a semi-autobiographical account of the war, the bomb and the hardships that the people had to endure during this time. i put this in because it is the most heart brakeing and human animation i have ever seen and i am still affected by it when i think about it now. the film holds no punches and even the badly animated clip of the bomb drop is upsetting. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfJZ6nwxD38 watch it if your interested. but if you do you'll be glad to know it gets worse, the mother has the baby which dies - all this actually happened to the writer. gen represents enduring hope during all this misery though and thats why he's a favourite (barefoot gen)

number 6 - to counter gen heres mei and totoro (my neighbour totoro)



and heres totoro with umberella



phew i think i may have balenced that out. thats all i got for now. any ideas for more?

ho hum,

i've had an interesting christmas of late, nothing of personal note but a large amount interest on the part of me that needs social acceptance. i spent a lot of winter in a bit of a slump both personally and in a work related sence. but god loves an aethiest. over the past month i have become a flag waving non-believer, whilst i have always believed that there was no god i have not always thought that these ideas were socialy acceptable. i finally changed my perceptions upon attending a night devoted to a secularist christmas titled '9 songs and 9 talks for godless poeple'. during this night several comedians and performers changed my previous conditioning and displayed a love of the world that we live in minus a mono-theistist outlook on life. it was quite beautiful. why must we search for a god that we cannot prove exists when there is so much beauty in the world that we live? it humbles me.

it can also seem a little like religion itself. upon attendance of said event i recieved a copy of 'new humanist' magazine. this seems a little too far in the oposite direction for my taste, so much so that it seems like its saying the same thing from the opposite direction. i can see pros and cons for both sides of the tale but belief is belief regardless of evidence. i don't want to upset anyone because i feel that they are trying to be better people though the actions of said church or religion. the thing is, i've never had a side to choose before. everything i have done to this point has been though a sense of personal, individual morality. therefore my decisions have been my own and not because of what some abrahamic religion dictates to me what is good and what is bad. needless to say, regardless of personal beleif casting stones at one another seems like a waste of energy, time and monEY. aetheists are as guilty of that as the christans.


i went to the ceationist museum today. what an adventure. i've seen both sides of the arguement in a one-sided manner. the gospel is lost on me. you can't argue with these arguements, they can pervert even the most innocent of facts. i don't belive the theory of evolution needs a gravestone though. the thing with science is that is can readily change its mind. religion doesn't seem to have this flexability and is therefore redundant in my view. i.ve looked a the christian science brochures that i obtained on my visit and i have decided that it is a sin against science. and that maybe sacrilidge. boo and hoo.

the thing is that when you consider that all the elements were created during the high pressures and temps. created at the core of a star. we only exist because a star died. that makes me feel pretty special.

the only bit of a compliment this week came from donna during a conversation about girls she would set me up with (i am a single man, i am getting used to this). she said that she would set me up with one of her frends but none of them are good enough for me. that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. thank you. i smile. rock!

well its been my first saturday night out since i have resurrected going out on saturday nights, i seem to have gotten though that bottle of whisky very quiickly. it just makes a change as its in company rather than consumed on my own. my main focus of this evening seems to be the amount of bordom i may have recieved. the girls i may have gotten a look at are far from interesting i like to think that the yellow hair may put off as many girls as possible. it seems to be working so far. i don't try to make myself as unattractive as possible i seem to achieve it without trying. i can't care for this. i'm waiting for a rescue atempt that may not come. i can;t help ut recognis fools wherever i go. portsmouth is killing my soul. i'm not sure what city would stop thhis but i'm willing to try in sept. i want to do something, but i'm not sure what. why should i care about the value that others put upon me? gaaarggghh. god help me. you dont need this. your all happy folks with happy pastel coloured lives. sheep, sheep! the magic doors still rings out to me. my name is alun, and i am in need of company. and help...which ever comes first... rock, lock! xxx

Yes, sir! True satisfaction! That's what discipline brings! Even the five court ladies dancing to frog flutes and drums had it, and so did the whirlwind of recycled paper! Computer graphics playing in my head and I like it! I don't support Technicolor parfaits and those snobby little petit forks that sit there uneaten, and my position on that is common knowledge to everyone in Oceania. Now the time has come to return to the great blue sky, where confetti falls like stardust and everyone shaking around the shrine gates with the mailbox and the refridgerator leading the hip hop festival! Anyone who is concerned about expiration dates, step aside now! No one gets in the way of my glory train! They need to really analyze all of the livers of the triangle goose party! Ahhh! This whole festival was put together by twenty third-graders with lotsa hutspa and one panda! You see?! Now I am... truly grand! The ultimate one!

...shine

...shine

...SHINE!

i've been listening to the newhumanists podcast in which they asks a load of scientists, doctors and comedians the following question:

'if you could celebrate a scientist, philospher or revolutionary thinker for one day in the same way that we can celebrate jesus on the 25th, which one would you pick?'

this is not a slur on cristianity, rather a celebration of someones achievement that help sculpt the world that we live in. i know the two i would pick.

decartes was an amazing man of science and if he wasn't overshadowed by newton with his AMAZING theory of gravity etc we would be celebrating him a lot more as a scientist rather than the father of mordern philosophy. he challenged the modes of study that galileo put forth, attempting to focus on the small, logical, measurable factors in an attempt to explain the larger mysteries of the world. he also thought that the single voice was more pure than that of the commitee which was more open to contradiction and interpretation. His famous quote 'cognito ergo sum' or 'i think therefore i am' was the turning point for philosophy, introducing the concept that there was a seperation between the mental and material world.

he also belived that he had proof that god exists. if he, an impure being could have a pure thought then that thought could not have been created by him. therefore the origional source of the pure thought could have only come from god.

i'm paraphrasing but mucho respect for him. he also quit the army because as an officer he was dissatisfied with the level of action he was recieving. legend.

my second choice would be mr. e jenner. without him there would be no inoculation, no vaccination, no anti-retrovirals, the list gos on. the sheer number of lives this man must have saved by having the gall to inject his kid with smallpox and then (attenuated) cowpox is astounding and surely must qualify him some kind of bank holiday. we could have a day where we all milk a cow or somthing in memory of this great men. for decartes we could all kick a gift wrapped stone and question its existance or something.

anyway, to carry on with the science munbo-jumbo i read an acticle today in new scientist that states that we are more genetically suited to people that have differing human leukocyte antigens (HLA's). according to this if your immune systems are totally different then there is less chance of you being unsuited to your partner, this includes being less permiscuous and having a long lasting relationship. thay also did the sweaty t-shirt test which is where the woman smells a dirty t-shirt and decides whether you are suitable dependant on how pleasing the smell is. random.

today i have been looking at blood cells under a microscope whist 'magic doors' by portishead cycles through my brain again and again and again.... now i'm listening to it on repeat. amazing song even when i'm not listening to it! peace out peeps! a

right last message was again one of the maudalin drunken rambles that i tend to spout when intoxication overrides sence. these meanderngs usuially yave a baptisimal effect but alas i was still feeling negative the next day. i think its the fact that work has been holding me together up till now and sice it has also turned to shit, things keep mounting up on top of me. the work gain ratio has been disrupted and everything in my life is either in a state of limbo or a state of flux. my grandma is in hospital after a car accident and at the age of 76 thats the last thing shes needs. well as a friend promised me tommorows a new day. heres to that rainbow

SHIT ME I AM PATIENT TODAY.  to be consise, i am not happy. nor will i be happy until i find someone who makes me happyy. trouble is i always find this person (to quote alanis morresette '...2minutes too late...'). to be frank this is the second time i may have  witten anything down tonight and the first time may have beena bit heart felt for my own liking. truth is i'm lonely. i've been single 4 a year and a half and i've forgotten how to be anything different. woe is me, why is me? the truth is that i am actually very introverted. whenever i may meet someone for the first time i will be quite quiet. you won't notice it which is why i may come across more confident than i actually am. put me into a situation where i may reveal any remote feeling for another person and i clam up.. this is relevent for the 1st meeting however aand nothing else because the shyness feades. i may be quite funny but i feel this relys on a wit i do not possess. god i'm fucked up.i think the reason that im kicking myself is that i've already met the  girls that i see as perfeect and they are now taken. i should act more and think later but i feel that i am too cautious. got my heart ripped in two 18 months ago and then got a rejection in the summer which finished my confidence off. i didn't mean for it to happen that way but hopes are easily squashed. i don't know. now these people run about oblivious to my wherabouts etc. and their happy - so i can't complain.

"so many perfect little lives working thier perfect little rudders attempting to steer away from the tide" - ag 2008